(I Can Finally) Rest in Peace...!!!

As you already know, my mom started chemo almost a week ago (last Thursday).  That day was probably one of the toughest days yet.  But ever since that day, I have felt relief!

I was able to go home this past weekend to see my mom, and guess what...there is good news!  She is handling the chemo really, REALLY well.  She is showing most of the side effects the doctors expected like joint and bone pain, drowsiness, sores in her mouth, and not much of an appetite.  While all of this is no fun, she has been able to live her life basically the same for the entire stretch of the day!  She has been able to go on 45 minutes walks everyday.  She goes to church, goes to work, hangs out with friends, shopping, etc.  Even though she is basically dead by 6:00p.m., the chemo treatments and cancer have not held her back much.

After seeing her in such good shape I am happy to say that I can finally REST IN PEACE!!!!  I have not worried one bit since this weekend.  I am still concerned (just like any normal person would be), but I know that God is taking care of her...and of me.  At church on Sunday, the sermon was about Matthew 6:25.  In this verse Jesus tells us not to worry.  If you go on to read through verse 34, you will see where the Bible tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  These verses have given me such peace that I now feel like I can breath, I can live my life like I normally would...just like my mom!

So for all of you worriers out there, remember what the Bible tells us, and hopefully you, too, can rest in peace!

Today, It's Real.

Lately, the fact that my mom has breast cancer has really hit me hard.  I went to visit her this past weekend and all I could think about on the way back to school was that that was the last time I'd see my mom "normal" for the rest of my college years.  The next time I will see her, she will already have started chemo.  Not that I'm not grateful for her to be starting the process of killing all the cancer in her body, it's just that it now seems so real.  

Every day this week has been getting worse and worse.  I can't focus in class.  I can't focus on homework.  I can't focus on my friends, my family, my boyfriend, or even myself due to the fact that all I think about is that my mom is sick.  She has cancer.  She will have cancer and be showing the signs of where she had cancer for the rest of my college career.  Not only will she lose her hair, but she will lose her left breast.  She is fully confident that everything will be okay, that it's just going to be a tough fight, but a fight that she can win.  But what if I'm not okay?  What if I can't just sit here at school, three hours away from her, and just live my life pretending like everything is perfect when the truth is, it's not perfect at all?  I've been thinking these thoughts all week, and have really been struggling to see the bright side of things.

Well, today wasn't any better.  Today my mom started chemo.  Today it really was real.  Today she really does have cancer, she really is sick.  I thought I had grasped the fact that she was sick, but it hit me with such force today that it was almost unbearable.  I've been fighting back tears all day, which I'll admit, I've lost that fight several times already.  

The only thing that's keeping me going is knowing that God is on our side.  

John 11:3-4 says, "So the sisters sent word to Jesus, 'Lord, the one you love is sick.'  When he heard this, Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death.  No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it.'"

..The one he loves is sick, she's sick.  But Jesus says this sickness will not end in death.  My mom was given this sickness for a reason.  It was put in my life for a reason.  It is for God's glory.  Jesus will be glorified through this.

One of my mom's best friends, Karen, wrote her an amazing letter.  This letter touches my heart so much that I have to share parts of it with you.  It says,

"Although we can only see chemo as a powerful chemical made by man, God sees it and uses it as a vessel to deliver His healing.

When you workout, you work your muscles to the point of failure (exhaustion). This actually allows your muscles to grow stronger. During your treatment, God will use chemo in the same way. Your body will become fatigued and reach exhaustion, but only to be restored to a stronger person both physically and spiritually.

Lisa, God isn't putting poison in you. He is pouring His love and healing into you.

Romans 5:5 says, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

Your port runs directly into the blood that is flowing into your heart. He is truly pouring His love into your heart and filling you with the Holy Spirit!! He is HEALING you!!"

When I see chemo being talked about as God pouring his love into my mom, it makes everything so much brighter.  Yes, it sucks that my mom is having poison put into her 16 different times, but at the same time, that is so much more love God is putting into her.

I just ask that you all keep my mom and family in your prayers, and know that God has a purpose for all of this.  Jesus will be glorified!

That's What Today Was Like.

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with everything around you?  Have you felt so powerless, like you had no control over anything, that your whole world was changing and you could do nothing about it?

That's what today was like.

Have you ever been in one of those moods where you didn't know what you wanted?  You didn't know if you wanted to laugh or cry, eat or sleep, lay around doing nothing or go out and have fun?  You didn't want to be alone, but you didn't want anyone there either.

That's what today was like.

Have you ever felt so discontent that you were temped to take a benadryl or two so that you could sleep for two days straight without having to think about anything whatsoever?

That's what today was like.

But then, once you were feeling all these things at once and thought that you could never see the bright side of things again did you have amazing friends come to your rescue?

Today I did.

Today I thought everything was downhill from here, that I would never get out of this depressed slump.  Everything seemed to be weighing down on me and against me, but then God stepped in.  I wasn't feeling like talking to anyone at all and just wanted to sleep, when I felt this urgent need to call my best friend, Lauren.  She told me two really amazing things.  The first is that she reminded me of how much closer I have gotten to God over the past six months.  (This was when I became a Wyld Life leader, meaning that my job is to do whatever it takes to bring middle school kids face to face with the big J.C....Jesus Christ.)  She, of course, was completely right.  I have gotten a lot closer to God and I love it.  But that was the last thing on my mind at this point in our conversation.  The second thing she told me is the most amazing part of the story.  She told me that she thinks over the past six months God has been preparing me to be able to take on this challenge.  She said that he had this (the cancer) planned all along, and was bringing me closer to him so that I will have the strength it takes to make it through this battle.  She also said that without him I wouldn't be able to make it through this which is completely and totally true.  This morning when I was reading my bible I read John 6:37 which says, "All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."  God knew that I would need to lean on him, and he helped me build my faith in him over the past six months so that I would be able to take on this challenge...with his help.  He knew that I would need him during this hardship.  He is not driving me away, he is making my faith grow stronger than ever before.

Have you ever heard of the saying, "If you brings you to it, he'll get you through it?"

Lauren and me, best friends since kindergarten. 

Well, that's what today was like.

The Beginning

My mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  It has already been a tough battle, and I know it will continue to be one.  However, I do know what the good Lord, Jesus Christ, is capable of and what he can do.  This blog is all about my journey as a college student away from home through my mother's recovery process and my walk in faith.  I will tell the ups and downs, all about the laughter and the tears, but also about the powerful messages that I am and will be learning through this battle.  Not all days are going to be good days, but like my mom says, "Life isn't over.  It's just slowing down for a bit."