Today, It's Real.

Lately, the fact that my mom has breast cancer has really hit me hard.  I went to visit her this past weekend and all I could think about on the way back to school was that that was the last time I'd see my mom "normal" for the rest of my college years.  The next time I will see her, she will already have started chemo.  Not that I'm not grateful for her to be starting the process of killing all the cancer in her body, it's just that it now seems so real.  

Every day this week has been getting worse and worse.  I can't focus in class.  I can't focus on homework.  I can't focus on my friends, my family, my boyfriend, or even myself due to the fact that all I think about is that my mom is sick.  She has cancer.  She will have cancer and be showing the signs of where she had cancer for the rest of my college career.  Not only will she lose her hair, but she will lose her left breast.  She is fully confident that everything will be okay, that it's just going to be a tough fight, but a fight that she can win.  But what if I'm not okay?  What if I can't just sit here at school, three hours away from her, and just live my life pretending like everything is perfect when the truth is, it's not perfect at all?  I've been thinking these thoughts all week, and have really been struggling to see the bright side of things.

Well, today wasn't any better.  Today my mom started chemo.  Today it really was real.  Today she really does have cancer, she really is sick.  I thought I had grasped the fact that she was sick, but it hit me with such force today that it was almost unbearable.  I've been fighting back tears all day, which I'll admit, I've lost that fight several times already.  

The only thing that's keeping me going is knowing that God is on our side.  

John 11:3-4 says, "So the sisters sent word to Jesus, 'Lord, the one you love is sick.'  When he heard this, Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death.  No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it.'"

..The one he loves is sick, she's sick.  But Jesus says this sickness will not end in death.  My mom was given this sickness for a reason.  It was put in my life for a reason.  It is for God's glory.  Jesus will be glorified through this.

One of my mom's best friends, Karen, wrote her an amazing letter.  This letter touches my heart so much that I have to share parts of it with you.  It says,

"Although we can only see chemo as a powerful chemical made by man, God sees it and uses it as a vessel to deliver His healing.

When you workout, you work your muscles to the point of failure (exhaustion). This actually allows your muscles to grow stronger. During your treatment, God will use chemo in the same way. Your body will become fatigued and reach exhaustion, but only to be restored to a stronger person both physically and spiritually.

Lisa, God isn't putting poison in you. He is pouring His love and healing into you.

Romans 5:5 says, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

Your port runs directly into the blood that is flowing into your heart. He is truly pouring His love into your heart and filling you with the Holy Spirit!! He is HEALING you!!"

When I see chemo being talked about as God pouring his love into my mom, it makes everything so much brighter.  Yes, it sucks that my mom is having poison put into her 16 different times, but at the same time, that is so much more love God is putting into her.

I just ask that you all keep my mom and family in your prayers, and know that God has a purpose for all of this.  Jesus will be glorified!